Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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