Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
