I cannot find my penis.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Randomize
