The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
