Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
