if i can run in heels then i can drive
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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