My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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