I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She bit a glass in half.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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