i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
