hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
