you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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