8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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