youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
