Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
