I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
my poor anus
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize