a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
