I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
