maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
