im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
