you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
