I'm so fucking centered right now
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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