You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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