I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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