Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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