you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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