What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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