so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
