you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
