i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
