I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
