i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
