So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
