quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
