I am puke
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
