so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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