The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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