I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
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