I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
