She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
