At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
