If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
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