i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
cat food counts as protein by the way
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
