New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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