I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
