Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
