I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
