epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You are a genius and a whore.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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