I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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