I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Blow job season was short but glorious.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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