jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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