Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
