I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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