Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Need sex. Gaining weight.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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