I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
