oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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