saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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