are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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