I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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