my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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