On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
